Step right up ladies and gentleman, yes, right this way. You are now entering Guru-Land located
right here in the heart of beautiful East Bumble, Florida. We have an enriching fun filled wallet
sucking day that you and the entire family will enjoy. Games and rides for the entrepreneurial
Our tour begins at:
NO ONE REALLY WANTS IT LAND
Take the wandering bus ride. We will actually get on a classic 1967 greyhound, 127 seater (with no
bathroom) and go to properties located in beautiful downtown West Bumble, Florida. Yes, tour homes
that no one really wants to live in, but you will. We know just how to entice you to purchase
these quaint relics of a bygone era. Think of all the fun you will have when you get up at sunrise
every morning to repair all the fixtures, appliances and replace the carpeting. Fun, Fun, Fun.
FIXER UPPER CITY
IMAGINE having your name embossed on an original Guru-Land plunger hat (our logo). You will be
challenged to see how many toilets you can flush within a given time. Don't be concerned about
wasting the water because it's all recycled. Yep, the fun never stops here at Guru-Land.
The Tenant and Toilet House of HORROR. You get to go to our 3D hologram of an actual house. You get
to fix it up and rent it out to our favorite tenants. You actually get to meet Marty and Morticia
Satanowski (AKA: The Tenants from Hell) and try to evict them. You will then be whisked away to
our onsite courthouse where you defend yourself against liberal judges who think tenants who write
bad checks and destroy your home, while you make the payments, are always right. It's a laugh
FUTURE INVESTOR LAND
In Future Investor Land you will see the fixer upper of the future. An environmentally constructed
home made entirely of old recycled books and tapes. It actually cost Guru-Land almost ten million
dollars just to build the bathroom. So much for the nuthin' down concept.
Entrance Price 100K. (Formally known as Lov'em and Heave Them City). Your guides will be Al the
Obnoxious Gopher and his holiness Juan Cross who will show you how to use our new virtual unreality
system. You will actually travel to prisons from Atlanta to Las Vegas. Once you arrive you will
be ushered into a private meeting with his holiness where you will be asked how much money you
have. (If it's enough, he'll take it; just because he cares about you!) You will be fingerprinted
and then be ushered into our low cost new recidivism center. But Wait....it gets even better folks!
You get to have your head shaved and receive your own set of designer gray pinstripes, each one
individually numbered for its own uniqueness. You leave with our armloads of costly, you guessed
it, books and tapes. You will then become an associate of Al and Juan, but don't ever call to speak
to Mr. Juan Cross because he will be too busy to speak with just anyone. Good old lov'em and leav'em
SAY CHEESE CENTER
No trip to Guru-Land could be complete without a visit to our Photography Studio. Here, with our
unique image enhancing technology, we can have you and your significant other holding large phony
checks besides the background of your choice. Imagine yourself in a picture holding these large
worthless papyrus sums by a palm tree, an expensive car or a even a swimming pool. WOW, could it
ever get better than this?
GET RICH QUICK SEMINAR
And what day of fun here at Guru-Land would be complete without visiting our own seminar center.
Imagine being locked into a room with 5000 of your new, hot, sweaty and flatulent friends in our
under air conditioned center. This seminar is all about how we got rich quick doing seminars just
If it's the food you came for, why not try our hot coal walking barbecue pit (and first aid center).
MMmmmm, just listen to the sizzle of those toes. Please pass the grey poupon.
Of course, no visit to Guru-Land would be complete without dropping into our Gift and Souvenir
Shop. Imagine opening your next beer with a Marko MacHarold & Son dual purpose bottle opener
and book mark! And who couldn't use the Bobbit G. Allan pot holder collection ?
THE ELECTRIC LIGHT CHARADE
During the day you will be entertained by our own unique Guru-Land characters with the Electric
Light Charade. Cartoons characters like Dopee the Landlord, Snoozy the Real Estate Agent and the
unforgettable Sleazy the Sheister. Then there's Dot Ditto, Corky the Mccorkle, Sunny Blockhead and
the rest of the gang. Yes, all your lovable furry favorites for you to play along with.
We provide luxurious accommodations at the CARLTON INN, with Clean Sheets. The food is always
prepared for the discriminating gourmand at the La Grand Corn Fritter Quick Flip Pancake Stand. Just
call our boiler room for reservations. We have a staff of 25 ex-real estate agents to assist you
24 hours a day.
Finally, if you would like a memento of your visit to Guru-Land, we have, believe it or not, plenty
of Books, Tapes and CD's available for sale (of course) ! No creative financing allowed but All
major credit cards are accepted. (Also available on VHS tape).
Next time you win the Super Bowl, tell the cameras that you're going to...
Diamond Consulting Group
Success, One Person at a Time !
Claude W. Diamond J.D.